Hey y’all. It’s been minute.
OK, it’s been a month, but it’s felt OH so much longer. Life has not slowed down in this hemisphere, but I’ll go into that later. I’ve missed blogging on this side of the pond… the personal, full control, my feelings side of the pond. Not full on professional, strictly for work writing. Yeah, you get the gist.
I guess to catch you all up on what’s been going on since December, I’ve been exhausted in all forms, except physical (I have not been working out anything on my body other than my fingers and eyes, lol). Sometimes I just think my butt’s gonna be sagging to my knees by next month if I don’t exercise regularly. I have dreams of running again, but I just feel like I’m always an inch away from missing a deadline or finding new news to write about. And honestly?
I’ve been feeling pretty inadequate in that department. And lonely. And like I’ve made one to many wrong turns, used up all my luck. And sometimes I feel really stuck. I’m always keying in on the conversations around me at work and how all the other editors have so many connections in the communities and friends with connections that they then send to them.
And then there’s me! No connections, no friends with connections, just doing my best from scratch, hoping my genuine personality and curiosity will lead to lasting connections and contacts 😦 . And it has really been weighing heavy on my conscience. So heavy, in fact, to the point I decided I literally cannot do this anymore. The sleepless nights, working before and after work, all the driving, all the multitasking, envying those with remote work who don’t have to drive from the boondocks to and beyond work and then back home.
I can’t come up with another five stories for another month. I can’t take even one story falling through on me two months straight, especially after this past cycle where three stories in a row fell through. By the way, I have not been the same since. I can’t think of new stories filling 700 words or more of space, no more original ideas are spinning in my head.
But my boss and I talked it over it’ll be better soon. Won’t give all the details here.
That being said, the difficulty I’ve been having as I come to terms with my shortcomings as a journalist have caused me to micro-examine my social life as well. In the span of a year, I have blocked or completely cut off 6 people who have played with my time or treated me like I was insignificant. At times, it was extremely difficult because I want to hold on to as many relationships as I can with people, but I’m learning to stop putting others before myself. I’m finally breaking my habit of people pleasing and chasing.
I have to keep reminding myself that I matter and shouldn’t accept less than what I deserve. I’m now down to 2 1/2 friends in-real-life. And we don’t even hang out regularly or have deep conversations. But at least they don’t waste my time like it’s their full time job. My new motto for the next 2 months is “my time ain’t long, and it sure ain’t free.“
It’s just, I don’t know how to describe it. My real-life as a journalist is the polar opposite of my imagined and desired life as a journalist. For one, I thought it would be like that of the other journalists around me; a career filled with picture-worthy moments, connections and friendships. Instead, it’s not much different than my life as a student journalist. Still at home, still stressed AF, not many social interactions outside of interviews, phone calls and responding to emails, and tons of lone ranger moments.
Of course, I will acknowledge it could be way worse; a life filled with enemies or constant ragging ons from critics saying, “She’s not a real journalist!!!” “WTF is this crap?” “Journalism is DEAD!” So at least there’s not that. At least not on a regular basis… lol.
Loneliness and exhaustion aside, I’ve found a light through the fog of my turmoil. No, not exercise. It was in the most unlikely of places: Twitter. Twitter spaces, to be specific.
Back in December, I was lamenting via tweet how I should’ve gotten on the NFT train before it took off like it has. I didn’t really do anything about it, though, until a week later, my main Twitter friend suggested I still give it a shot. Before you know it, we were exchanging podcasts and articles we’d found on NFTs. Then I started getting in spaces and shared those with him.
I finally had something to look forward to through all the deadlines and research. I treated the spaces like podcasts at first, listening and absorbing info as I worked from home or the office. In the smaller, more intimate spaces, I felt less alone as I heard people sharing their own disappointment in the world and feeling misunderstood. In the metaverse and through NFTs, however, they found community.
As a shy introvert, I was wary of joining in on the conversations, but I soon built up the courage to speak. Immediately, I felt like I was part of a community. I don’t know when I’ve felt so unjudged and accepted in a space of more than 4 people. Not only was I learning about how to get involved in the new and exciting world of NFTs, I was finding new connections I never anticipated making.
It hit me hard when time was crushing in on me, though. I had to abandon spaces for a full week and I was on the verge of tears because now I was stuck with trying to contact people during the holidays and write four stories and a hundred other things. I was running on E and putting aside the only thing that was getting me through it all.
So, yes, Twitter spaces have changed my life for the better. Both the mental health and NFT spaces have helped me feel significantly less alone in this wild, wild world. I’ve also started being kinder to myself by taking breaks and getting sleep.
So yeah, that’s how it’s been so far.
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